This Is Not A Toy
by Baka Nightmares
Summary: A herd of trolls have attacked Fowl Manor, but don't worry. The twins have it under control.


_Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl belongs to Eoin Colfer._

"_This is not a toy."_

Myles and Beckett Fowl were, of course, Fowls. This alone meant they were ridiculously good at something. Their older brother, Artemis, was a born planner... no, schemer. A prodigy, even.

Beckett had the strength of fifteen men, despite only being twelve. However, his lack of intellect sort of... canceled that out. Which was why he needed his twin. Myles was the brain. Beckett was the brawn.

But even Myles was not as devious or intelligent as Artemis had been at his age. Normally the boy would have been infuriated by this, but Myles did exceed expectations at something. He just kept his skills very, very secret.

Beckett had a secret, too, which he had once told Myles – and the child prodigy was desperate to milk it for all its worth. Of course Artemis knew of both secrets – he'd helped them make them both.

"Myles, aren't you too old for wooden swords?" asked Juliet, home from the store. Myles detested the tofu diet his mother had he and Beckett on. Artemis expertly managed to stay away from Fowl Manor enough to get a proper amount of meat, yet there enough that Angeline didn't realize what he was up to.

The twins were not so lucky.

Myles cast his icy-blue gaze down to the wooden sword on his belt, which was covered with fresh grass stains from his five hours of practice, of which he had only just returned back inside from.

"I object," he finally stated, matching his gaze with Juliet's.

The ex-luchador sighed and smiled. "Whatever you say, Miley. Why don't you do something useful and help me put this stuff away?" she said.

"Juliet, I would love to," said Myles, expertly faking disappointment, managing to convince even Juliet that he was distraught that he could not help her put groceries away, "but Dad said he had a lesson for me when I finished playing and I _must_ attend."

Juliet sighed. "You're the boss."

"If that is so, than you're fired." Juliet grinned.

**BakaBakaBaka**

Holly Short was in a Bad Mood.

Half because her superiors had threatened to relieve her of her Commander status if she threw one more trashcan at Foaly (the vain little donkey _had_ deserved it, or so she tried to tell them), and half because a herd of trolls had found their way to the surface. But mostly the throwing-trashcans-at-Foaly thing.

Her Bad Mood had caused her to slap Grub Kelp upside the head, tell him to 'go cry to his D'arviting Mummy and tell her Holly said 'hi, your son is fired'' or grow a backbone. Grub was frightened of the trolls, so Holly had taken it upon herself and Trouble to deal with them, along with a few hand-selected LEP officers.

Mostly the norm, until she learned that the trolls were all headed for Fowl Manor.

"I swear," she mumbled as she, Trouble, and her officers flew towards the manor, "that Mud Boy attracts danger like cake attracts his brothers. For Frond's sake, can't he be a normal ex-criminal genius for one month? Is that so much to ask?"

"Commander Short," said Trouble, "you're talking to yourself again."

"_He's right. Can't you think in your head?"_ Foaly asked, through the communication device.

"Kill yourself, pony-boy," snapped Holly, irritated beyond belief. Foaly's comments only made her Bad Mood worse. The LEP officers, unused to seeing authority behave as such, were nervous.

**BakaBakaBaka**

Myles Fowl was having tea with his brothers.

This was a painfully normal occurrence in Fowl Manor (where tea is a must), and frankly, Myles was bored. It wasn't that he did not enjoy quality time with Beckett and Artemis – he did – but surely there was something more interesting than sitting around and sipping tea like prim old ladies who wear goofy hats?

Luckily for him, teatime suddenly became much more fun.

Unluckily, Angeline was going to pitch a fit about her now-ruined carpet. Six trolls barged into the manor, effectively making a giant hole in the wall and shooting debris everywhere.

Their wee tea-table was knocked aside, spilling the hot liquid all over the carpeted floor. Artemis missed being smashed with hunks and chunks of the wall by mere inches. Myles and Beckett, being so much smaller, found it easier to dodge the debris.

Holly burst into the manor, but the other members of her squad lingered. They didn't think being violently ill at a time like this would be good. Instead, they gathered 'round the hole and fired their guns at the trolls – unfortunately, to no avail.

Holly was frantic. Dodging the trolls attacks while keeping the Fowls safe was no easy feat.

"RUN!" roared Holly, shooting a troll in the eye with her Neutrino 3000. It wailed in pain and clutched its face. Its agony caused the other trolls to pause and consider their decision of entering Fowl Manor.

However, the Fowl brothers wouldn't move. "Myles, Beckett," said Artemis, using his arms to shield himself as best he could from the trolls, "have fun."

Myles smiled delightedly and Beckett whooped, gaining the attention of the trolls. Holly felt faint. "Are you crazy?" she screeched, using her mechanic wings to fly at high-speed towards the twins. "They will _eat you alive and use your bones to pick their teeth!"_

Beckett and Myles did not listen to their friend. They leaped to the side and evaded Holly, along with a trolls hand. But the troll was not after the tiny twins. It scooped up a squirming Artemis and a swearing Holly.

This was the last straw for Myles and Beckett.

Myles drew his wooden sword with gusto, and Beckett freed himself of his clothes – not for effect, but because Angeline would fly over the moon and back if he ruined his clothes. "_En garde, _you disgusting simple-toon," spat Myles, pointing his sword at the trolls.

Beckett whooped again, and his back arched. He made another sound, but this was not a cheerful battle-cry, like he'd been using earlier. It was somewhere between his normal, squealing cries and a howl of agony. Holly was distraught. "Myles! You can't beat a troll with that _toy-!"_ She was cut off by Beckett's howl – a literal howl – of pain. Her hazel eyes snapped in the blonde twin's direction and she gasped.

Beckett's face had lengthened into a snout. He was covered with shaggy blonde fur, and stood at least twice as tall as he had been. He had claws, and a vicious snarl. Beckett Fowl, it seemed, had become a giant, half-human, half-wolf. At the same time, Myles had swished his sword dramatically, and it shed its wooden shell.

He now held an eight-foot long katana, that glowed with an eerie light. He looked directly at Holly, and over Beckett's wolfish howl, Myles said, "This is not a toy."

The twins launched themselves at the trolls. Beckett leaped towards the troll that held Holly and Artemis, sinking his five-inch fangs into its wrist and slashing trenches in its arm with his lethal claws. The troll howled in pain and began trying to shake Beckett-wolf off, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, Myles was slashing at the trolls with the technique and power of a man thrice his size, who had been training longer than Butler. He got lucky, and, in midair due to an inhuman leap, slashed through a trolls neck. Obviously, his katana was not made of any normal metal. It was a clean cut. The troll died instantly.

Myles turned on the troll that Holly had shot in the eye, and ran at it. He nimbly dodged its giant fist, and stabbed it through the kidney. It wailed loudly, so loudly and shrilly that windows shattered. So loudly and shrilly, in fact, that Beckett-wolf let go of the troll he'd been fighting to make a feeble attempt at covering his furry ears.

This was all the time the trolls needed to make an organized attack – not an easy thing for creatures as dumb as these trolls.

Since two trolls were injured – one in the arm and the other through the kidney – and one dead, the remaining three made a circle around the twins and roared with an alien savageness. They charged at Myles and Beckett at the same time, but the twins shared a near-telepathic bond, and swiftly made a plan.

Beckett hoisted Myles onto his back, and leaped upwards. His canine legs were strong, and he jumped several feet up in the air. Myles himself had certain enhancements, and jumped off his brother in the prime of Beckett's leap. This all happened in less than a few seconds, and the trolls crashed into one another. Myles swung his katana so it pointed downwards, and, while the trolls horns were locked together, he landed, stabbing a troll through the head while doing so. He quickly withdrew his katana, and began the process of ending the other trolls.

Unfortunately for Myles, the trolls were rocking this way and that in an effort to release themselves, and his katana stuck in ones brain had been the only thing keeping Myles steady. He gasped in surprise, inhaling quite a bit of troll-stink, as he lost his balance.

The katana slipped from his grip and hit the floor. To avoid the same fate, Myles quickly grabbed onto the newly-expired trolls back fur, which was thicker than jell-o and longer than the katana Myles had used to kill the troll.

He heard Holly cry out in the other trolls grip, but he tried not to think of that. He instead tried climbing down the trolls back-fur. It was hard enough with two other ghastly beasts trying to shake the cadaver loose, but soon Myles ran out of thick fur near the trolls bottom. He grimaced, but his expression quickly turned to shock as the trolls finally shook the corpse loose. The injured beasts roared like fans when their team was winning.

_At least I am down now,_ though Myles as he quickly leaped away from the cadaver, towards his katana – and his brother, who lay unconscious and in his all-too-human form. But the trolls were not letting him reach either. Before his mind could comprehend what was happening, Myles was being scooped up – with no small amount of roughness – by the same troll who held Holly and Artemis.

"Now look what you've done," said Holly. "They're going to crush us to bits because we didn't ru-"

"I give you all permission to enter the estate!" Artemis called suddenly, and almost as soon as the words left his mouth, Holly's hand-picked LEP officers, plus Trouble, were zooming into Fowl Manor.

Holly stared at her friend disbelievingly. "Seriously? Why didn't you let them enter earlier?" she demanded. Alas, her question would never be answered. For at that moment, the LEP began shooting the trolls ruthlessly. They managed to injure the arm holding Holly and Artemis, and the troll dropped them. Artemis and Holly made a loud _oomph! _sound in unison. The troll dropped Myles to use its other arm to cradle its injury. This was the only opening Myles needed. In less than two seconds, he had retrieved his katana and launched himself at the troll, slicing straight through its torso. Troll blood spewed everywhere, dousing the LEP officers, Holly, and Artemis.

The three remaining trolls stared at Myles, and Holly dared think they'd flee in fear. But they outdid their infamous idiocy once again, deciding to flaunt their battle-cries instead. Myles, instead of smirking, simply sighed. "Simple-toons."

Mid-cry, something long and sharp sliced vertically through the middle trolls backside, from the base of its spine to its buttocks. It fell forwards, and Beckett-wolf stood. His claws were now several feet long, and dripping troll blood. He howled in victory, but this time the trolls reacted quickly.

The remaining two tried to stomp on Beckett at the same time, but he spun and cut trenches in their legs with his claws. At the same time, Myles was charging into battle with his katana. Instead of leaping upwards, like he had been doing, Myles slid across the floor and swung his weapon. The blade cut through one of the trolls ankles, and it roared – more out of rage than pain this time. It lifted its gargantuan foot and tried to stomp on Myles, but the raven-haired boy nimbly dodged.

Now back-to-back with Beckett-wolf, Myles' young mind began calculating a way to expire both trolls before they were all stomped to bits. The LEP officers, it seemed, were useless in this situation – most had been knocked unconscious and others were cowering in fear somewhere.

The trolls both tried to grab Myles and Beckett-wolf at the same time, and their hands smashed together, a mere three feet above the twins heads. The trolls were both aggravated by the sunlight and their situation, and before anyone could really comprehend what was happening, the two trolls were fighting one another.

"Finally," mumbled Myles. "A lucky break. Beckett, I have a plan." Beckett-wolf lifted him and Myles whispered into his brother's ear. Beckett gave Myles as much a smile as he could with a snout, and he ran to the side of the room, dodging the trolls giant feet all the way.

Meanwhile, Myles began making his way towards the trolls.

He stood far enough away from the trolls as to not get squished, but near enough that his plan could work. The trolls both had injuries on their lower half, and the several troll carcases made their movements even more complicated – for them. Myles aimed his katana, and after taking a deep breath, through it like a javelin. It flew clear over the dual trolls heads, unnoticed by the brawling beasts.

And not five seconds liter, Beckett-wolf had leaped atop one troll, katana held in his humanoid hand, and stabbed the troll he stood atop through the head. He withdrew the katana and threw it back to his brother before the last troll could really register what had just happened.

Myles had to run a few paces back to catch the katana, and when he did it was by the blade. He swallowed a cry of pain and quickly spun it do he held it by the handle. He charged at the remaining troll and leaped upwards.

The katana cut vertically through the trolls head, down its neck, through its back, and finally between its buttocks. Myles landed on the floor as the troll, now cut in two, fell.

He spun his katana a certain way, and it once again appeared as nothing more than a wooden play-thing.

Beckett morphed back into his usual, cheerful, human self. Beckett giggled loudly at Holly's look of utter bewilderment.

Artemis finally managed to find it in himself to stand up. When he did, he applauded his brothers. "Well done," he said. Myles rolled his eyes.

"W-what..." Holly tried to say. Her face turned from bewilderment to rage in a split second. "WHAT IN FROND'S NAME WAS THAT?" she shrieked. She turned on Artemis. "_You_ wouldn't happen to have know about this, _would you, _Artemis, my friend?" She said 'friend' like it was a terrible curse.

Artemis threw his hands up in surrender. "Myles and Beckett wanted genetic enhancements," said Artemis. "I had wanted to experiment on something other than hamsters for a long time, and since the twins birthday was coming up, I told them it was a present."

Holly's normally nut-brown face had turned a shade of purple to rival Julius Root's. "That. Answers. _Nothing._ Two twelve-year-olds just killed six full-grown trolls!" she yelled. It took every last bit of commonsense not to pummel Artemis then and there.

"Their enhancements saved us, didn't they?" argued Artemis.

Holly opened her mouth to scream abuse at her friend, but thought better of it. She took a calming breath instead. "Okay. Fine. But what about that toy sword?" she demanded.

"This is not a toy," insisted Myles, and Holly knew very well why. "It's a weapon me and Arty made last year, when he deemed me responsible enough to have such a thing."

Holly fell over onto her bum, not bother that she was sitting on a dead trolls face. "You had all this- this _stuff _and I didn't know a thing about it," she said, dazed.

"Holly, there's a _lot_ of 'stuff' we have that you don't know about," Artemis said, looking down on his friend with sympathetic eyes. Holly wondered what sorts of secrets the three Fowl brothers had, but decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to ask. A new thought occurred to her.

"What are we going to do with all these dead trolls?" demanded Holly.

Myles, Beckett, and Artemis all opened their mouths to answer, before realizing that they had no clue.


End file.
